Once again, the New York Times (my favorite paper and the only one I read any more) is hitting us with some shocking, huge stories such as:
1) Oil Companies Reluctant to Follow Obama's Green Lead
What!?!? Are you serious? Really, really rich guys are balking at something that will stop them from becoming really, really, really rich? It's like saying that Bill Gates would be *slightly* hesitant if Obama decided the world needs to use only Macs. Crazy stuff NY Times.
2) Iraq's Newly Open Gays Face Scorn and Murder
I know how we can clarify this situation NY Times. Change "Newly Open Gays" to "Freaking Everyone in the Dadgum Country." A lot of people say homosexuality isn't a choice, but I'd like to throw this out there: coming out of the closet in a country where everyone carries around guns definitely IS a choice. A terrible, terrible choice unless part of the gay lifestyle in Iraq entails a predilection toward getting shot in an alley. Then again, I'm not sure some of these aforementioned gays are among Iraq's best and brightest. One named Basim, a male hairdresser in Iraq, said he wears his hair long, pierces his ears and dons white makeup as signs of his homosexuality.
Earth to Basim! Earth to Basim! You're a male hairdresser. You don't need any more signs.
"If I had only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with 100 million dollars." - John Stewart
Watch the full ripping of CNBC here.
I have decided, unilaterally, that we are not in a crisis right now. Is this because I am a professional politician, economist or analyst? No! It is because the "problem" that we think we are facing right now doesn't have a sweet, doomsday sort of name.
Think about it. Name one of the major catastrophic events of history. How about . . . the Black Death. You have to admit, as far as punchy names go you can't get any better than the "Black Death." In fact, the only way you could jazz that up is to add some sort of supernatural or post-apocalyptic entity to it such as, "The Diablo Black Death."
Let's try another one that's not as obvious. How about the "Flood?" Not only does this entail the destruction of all living things (except Noah and his pals), but the very word even inspired its own apocalyptic alien race that sought to destroy the universe! Imagine if we called our current situation "Unreal Doom Quake IV." Then we would actually have some nouns and adjectives to get worked up about.
Right now, however, the best we can up with is the "Economic Crisis." The only people who ever gt excited about the word "economic" are single 40's somethings sitting at home memorizing the buttons to push for "Green Grass and High Tides" on expert. Our current problem isn't even cool enough to spell with a Y, "Crysis," or possibly an extraneous E, "Crysise." People aren't going to look back at this time and talk about how terrible life was, people are going to look back and see a bunch of bored upper-middle class people who have nothing better to do than make fun of Jim Cramer (as if he needed the help), watch SNL digital shorts over and over and talk about how they had to refinance their Ferrari.
Until someone relabels our "crisis" the "Apocalyptic Destruction Inferno," I'm not moving a muscle. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go watch "I'm on a Boat."
The inhabitants of Vault 101 aren't worried about the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
The series continues. You could even say that I am deevangelizing. I'll run that by some theology profs and see what they think.
Now, without further ado:
Exactly like Toby Mac, I'm back no slack (if you can finish the original line then I'm betting you still have Newsboys and Jars of Clay hidden away in your old tape stash).
Let's go straight to the conundrum at hand. I would like to post this question to you:
When you have a hand that is probably ahead, but has almost no chance of improving, what do you do with it?
Let's look at two possible approaches.
1) Doyle Brunson says that he plays these hands cautiously and tries to take it slow. Let's say you have bottom two pair heads up and the board is a little flushy or straightening. Doyle says you put in a bet and see what the turn does, then repeat and see what the river does. If there is a running pair (i.e. the same card on the turn and river), be prepared to check and release the hand on the river.
2) Gus Hansen says you go ahead and put your money in on the flop. Since you are still probably 55-60%, by pushing in you gain positive equity by adding pressure to fold. Furthermore, in the long run you gain when your opponent calls as a 11-9 dog.
What do you do?
The Masters disagree. Should we go with the King, "Dolly" Brunson?
Or the feisty Great Dane? Is there a "correct" answer?
This is not an April Fools thing. I repeat, this is NOT an April Fools thing. It merely happens to be April 1. This is an ultimatum.
I hereby refuse to post any new content on this blog until James Kemp comes through on his promise. If you would like to urge him on to be true to his word, his email address is jamesskemp@gmail.com.
I realize that to some of you this hiatus is nothing short of a blessing, but I shall remain firm on this moratorium until Kemp fulfills his oath to me.
Cheers.
I repeat, alternative medicine works. Here's my explanation why using a few simple case studies.
1) Brandy/liquor: I actually know someone who, when their child was suspected to have Lyme disease, immediately gave him brandy. I mean, if I were a 12 year-old a solid hit of the old 150 proof sure would make me feel better. Although the ensuing chronic encephalomyelitis might pose somewhat of a more difficult problem.
2) Acupuncture: You have a high fever and chills, "flu-like symptoms," if you will. You go to the acupuncturist and he/she/it sticks a couple dozen steel needles into you. All of a sudden, the flu-like symptoms have vanished because your body is saying to you, "Excuse me for a moment, but I wanted to let you know something: THERE ARE A BUNCH OF STEEL NEEDLES IN ME YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"
3) Lobotomy: Possibly my favorite of the alternative cures, if only because it allows the healer to use a saw in a post-1800's medical environment. Think about it: Schizophrenia? Cut off his brain! Depression? Cut of his brain! The possibilities are endless! Whiny kid? Cut off his brain! I might have to recommend this to elementary school disciplinarians.
4) "Holistic" medicine: I was reading an article earlier today that suggested "Native American Healing" and "Ayurvedic medicine" as treatments for HIV/AIDS. Apparently, Ayurvedic medicine uses a "system of herbalism" (and you thought this only worked in World of Warcraft) and "personalized routines of meditation" to treat HIV. Translation: Toke up on some of that good old fashioned ganja and get high as a turkey buzzard on a summer day! Finally, something that doesn't keep preaching at people to stop having unprotected sex with multiple partners. This is revolutionary stuff.
No fear Richard Simmons, your prayers have been answered.
I never get tired of old jokes. This might lead to a series if the demand is great enough (one comment should do it).
Czeslaw Milosz sticks it to Marx.
"And now we are witnessing a transformation. A true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death - the huge solace of thinking that our betrayals, greed, cowardice, murders are not going to be judged."
The time has come! After hours of exhaustive research in the most highly regarded end times academic sources, I am prepared to predict when the end times are going to occur. My criteria for this forecasting of the apocalypse is the six signs that Christ gave concerning the end times. Now, without further ado, I give you:
Paul's End Times Prediction (tm):
Lady and gent, I predict that the end of the age will occur in . . .
1556 A.D.
That's right. So if you believe in the rapture you better stop believing in it or start praying hard because
A. 1556 has already occurred and
B. You're still here. Sucker!
How did I arrive at this conclusion? Simple. Please observe my research on 1556 per the 6 signs that Christ gave.
1. Wars (and rumours of wars): The King II's of France and Spain were tearing up Europe, the Moguls and Hindus were ripping each other in Asia, Ivan the Terrible was rampaging in Russia and the American Indians were still doing all their writing in caves so we have no idea what they were doing.
2. Famines: There were 6 reported ongoing famines in 1556 in Europe and Africa (although one could argue that famines in Africa don't count as an anomaly) and several that began soon after. Fact: Right now there is only 1 ongoing reported famine.
3. Earthquakes: Shaanxi, China - the deadliest earthquake in history with a death toll of over 830,000.
4. Tribulation for the church: Cranmer gets burned baby! Post-1517 retribution was being had across the land. Good times for Christians, if they liked hanging out in FIRE (having "fire" in caps shows I've been reading too many graphic novels).
5. The Gospel being preached around the world: Protestants don't like to admit this, but the Jesuits were already all over Asia, Europe and Africa at this point. In fact, the Jesuit order marks the first time that the gospel was preached in so many continents and countries.
6. False Prophets and Christs: My candidate for this worthy post is Uesugi Kagekatsu, Japanese Daimyo. Part of his effectiveness here is you would never see this coming. But who could be more effective than a Daimyo who conquers Japan and syncretizes Christianity, Shintoism and Buddhism? Besides, Bible picture story books always show the False Prophet in Revelation as pretty sweet (in a "he's eventually going to burn in hell" sort of way), and I think a katana is an essential part of being an apocalyptic kickass.
Cheers.
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