The time has come! After hours of exhaustive research in the most highly regarded end times academic sources, I am prepared to predict when the end times are going to occur. My criteria for this forecasting of the apocalypse is the six signs that Christ gave concerning the end times. Now, without further ado, I give you:
Paul's End Times Prediction (tm):
Lady and gent, I predict that the end of the age will occur in . . .
1556 A.D.
That's right. So if you believe in the rapture you better stop believing in it or start praying hard because
A. 1556 has already occurred and
B. You're still here. Sucker!
How did I arrive at this conclusion? Simple. Please observe my research on 1556 per the 6 signs that Christ gave.
1. Wars (and rumours of wars): The King II's of France and Spain were tearing up Europe, the Moguls and Hindus were ripping each other in Asia, Ivan the Terrible was rampaging in Russia and the American Indians were still doing all their writing in caves so we have no idea what they were doing.
2. Famines: There were 6 reported ongoing famines in 1556 in Europe and Africa (although one could argue that famines in Africa don't count as an anomaly) and several that began soon after. Fact: Right now there is only 1 ongoing reported famine.
3. Earthquakes: Shaanxi, China - the deadliest earthquake in history with a death toll of over 830,000.
4. Tribulation for the church: Cranmer gets burned baby! Post-1517 retribution was being had across the land. Good times for Christians, if they liked hanging out in FIRE (having "fire" in caps shows I've been reading too many graphic novels).
5. The Gospel being preached around the world: Protestants don't like to admit this, but the Jesuits were already all over Asia, Europe and Africa at this point. In fact, the Jesuit order marks the first time that the gospel was preached in so many continents and countries.
6. False Prophets and Christs: My candidate for this worthy post is Uesugi Kagekatsu, Japanese Daimyo. Part of his effectiveness here is you would never see this coming. But who could be more effective than a Daimyo who conquers Japan and syncretizes Christianity, Shintoism and Buddhism? Besides, Bible picture story books always show the False Prophet in Revelation as pretty sweet (in a "he's eventually going to burn in hell" sort of way), and I think a katana is an essential part of being an apocalyptic kickass.
Cheers.
RSS Feed