I repeat, alternative medicine works. Here's my explanation why using a few simple case studies.
1) Brandy/liquor: I actually know someone who, when their child was suspected to have Lyme disease, immediately gave him brandy. I mean, if I were a 12 year-old a solid hit of the old 150 proof sure would make me feel better. Although the ensuing chronic encephalomyelitis might pose somewhat of a more difficult problem.
2) Acupuncture: You have a high fever and chills, "flu-like symptoms," if you will. You go to the acupuncturist and he/she/it sticks a couple dozen steel needles into you. All of a sudden, the flu-like symptoms have vanished because your body is saying to you, "Excuse me for a moment, but I wanted to let you know something: THERE ARE A BUNCH OF STEEL NEEDLES IN ME YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"
3) Lobotomy: Possibly my favorite of the alternative cures, if only because it allows the healer to use a saw in a post-1800's medical environment. Think about it: Schizophrenia? Cut off his brain! Depression? Cut of his brain! The possibilities are endless! Whiny kid? Cut off his brain! I might have to recommend this to elementary school disciplinarians.
4) "Holistic" medicine: I was reading an article earlier today that suggested "Native American Healing" and "Ayurvedic medicine" as treatments for HIV/AIDS. Apparently, Ayurvedic medicine uses a "system of herbalism" (and you thought this only worked in World of Warcraft) and "personalized routines of meditation" to treat HIV. Translation: Toke up on some of that good old fashioned ganja and get high as a turkey buzzard on a summer day! Finally, something that doesn't keep preaching at people to stop having unprotected sex with multiple partners. This is revolutionary stuff.
No fear Richard Simmons, your prayers have been answered.
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