A short while ago, I was having a conversation with someone (who I know quite well and vice versa) and I noticed that something was off. Throughout my chat with this person, I noticed that she kept backing away from me and trying to end the conversation. Puzzled, I walked away and tried to think of why this chat occurred the way it did.
1. Was I talking about something awkward? Most assuredly not. In fact, we were merely discussing Christmas shopping and things of that nature and not once had I managed to sneak flatulence or what Santa and Mrs. Claus must do the 364 days of the year he isn't delivering presents into the conversation (do you honestly expect me to believe he spends all day around Mrs. Claus and doesn't ONCE make a "naughty or nice" comment to her? Come on! Santa is a guy too!).
2. Did I look strange? Absolutely not. Anyone knows that at 10:00 in the morning you can expect to find me in a white t-shirt and pajama pants with shaving cream hanging off my earlobe, simultaneously drinking coffee and brushing my teeth.
OOC: To explain why these two concomitant actions are not as illogical as they might seem, allow me to clarify that a 23 year-old guy's attention span is essentially the same as that of a 6 month-old puppy. E.G. Puppy sees hand, puppy bites hand. Puppy sees tail, puppy bites tail. Puppy sees hand and tail, puppy bites hand and tail.
We can now see how this correlates directly to a guy's behavior e.g. Guy sees coffee, guy drinks coffee. Guy sees toothbrush, Guy brushes teeth. Guy sees coffee and toothbrush, Guy brushes teeth and drinks coffee. Besides, it lends that delightful minty flavor to my French Roast that I love so much.
IC: Then, like a bolt of lightning, the possible explanation for the awkward conversation hit me.
3. Was I scratching myself?
I'm not sure what's more frightening, the fact that a guy could do this without thinking about it or the inevitibility that this occurs frequently in public. Yet, allow me to give you a mathematical equation that shows the probability of this happening in this very conversation that I had.
Frequency of scratching myself/day: 70%
Frequency of conversation with other people/day: 40%
Minimum overlapping percentages: 10% of 40% = 25%
Probability that I am scratching myself during conversation: 25%-100%.
The specific probability of my having a scratching conversation greatly increases if you add these factors:
I. It was 10:00 a.m.
II. I hadn't yet finished my coffee.
III. I was wearing pajama pants.
In fact, the only chance I have of not scratching myself in an embarrassing situation is if I only simultaneously scratch/converse with a. Another guy b. My wife or c. Someone who isn't paying attention to what I am saying which is usually b'. My wife when I am talking about sports/video games/scratching myself.
Although a. does bring to light the interesting concept that if guys saw scratching as common ground, there would have been no war in the Middle East.
Merry Christmas.
Gamische
noun
Polish kamyzyk, a pile.
13th Century
1. An assortment of objects put together haphazardly
2. A large number of chemicals in the same reaction.
Synonyms see Mess, Pile (4).
Quote:
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." -Jack Handy
Sign of genius: The Spork
Somewhere in Iowa in the mid-17th century, someone had the bright idea to create a utensil that can hold smaller amount of liquid than a spoon while simultaneously poking the user in the mouth. Apparently, people saw this as a good idea and put them in individualized plastic packaging to be served with fruit cups.
Confession:
I am a mad jaywalker. Furthermore, I cross all intersections diagonally after living in Traber dorm for two years.
A Truth and a Lie:
George Bush is president. I voted for him because I felt sorry for his lack of self-respect.
Cheers.
C.C Sabathia is a good baseball player. In fact he's really, really good. But is he $161,000,000 good?
You thought you are doing pretty well right now. Minimum wage is up (unless you live in Wyoming) and most people reading this have graduated from college and are earning a real life salary.
Did you know, however, that if you earn the average U.S. salary of $61,500 (which is really quite good) it will take you 373.98 years to earn what Sabathia makes IN ONE YEAR.
Fact: C.C. can throw 3 strikes (that's right, 3 whole pitches) and that will make him the average U.S. yearly salary. In terms of hourly expectation, Sabathia vs. You looks approximately like this.
Scenario: Allowing C.C. time to throw three pitches replete with getting the sign from the catcher, winding up, throwing, having the catcher throw the ball back and waiting for C.C. to spit in between pitches, it will take him 60 seconds to throw those three strikes which get him 61,500 bucks. If we allow you 28 days of vacation and 40 hour work weeks, you will make this same amount of money in 1,920 hours. That means C.C. not only makes more money than you, but he makes it 115,200 times faster.
We haven't even factored in the fact that your shoddy university BA doesn't get you close to 61 large a year. Are you seriously still reading this (and if you aren't is it because you killed yourself)?! Go play baseball!
In my last column I discussed how you can make more money playing poker simply by playing for more money. With this advice under your belt, we can now move on to the second step in becoming a better poker player, which is:
Find you favorite hand.
Truth: the title of this column includes my favorite cards in the hole--a Queen/6 off-suit. (Lie: Hilary Swank is attractive.)
Note: From here on I will denote this hand using the notation Q,6. In the case of a Queen,6 suited the notation is Q,6s.
Anyway, the story for my love for these seemingly paltry starters is that, holding these cards, I flopped my first full house ever my freshman semester in college. That's right. I called the pre-flop raise and out came Q,Q,6--the pure nuts. I proceeded to rake in my esteemed opponents' money and eventually won their $1 buy-ins. After that experience, I threw stack after stack into the pot every time I was holding Q,6, knowing that some day I would once again see the nuts fall in front of me. Which leads me to the corollary of my first statement:
Any card can come out.
The basis of this statement is the following mathematical calculation:
1. Chance of any card being in the deck: 100%.
2. Chance of the cards in the deck being the cards that come out: 100%
Conclusion: The cards that come out will be any card.
This mathematical certainty merely reinforces the value of having your favorite hand. If you pick 8,3, there is always a chance that the flop will come 8,8,3 and you too will follow in my path to glory and my career as a clinical research assistant. And even when you are holding 8,3 and the flop is A,K,J, you can always bluff and scare every one out, once again demonstrating the utility of having a favorite hand. Finally, when you are dealt cards, play them! Remember, ANY card can come out. Don’t be the person who folds her or his J,2 and watches J,2,2 hit the board!
So lady and gent, let this amateur success story be an inspiration to you. Find your favorite hand. Cherish it. Bet it hard. You never know when the next flop . . . is your flop.
As the year is winding down, I would like to take you through what I believe are the best 5 rock albums of 2008 (and a couple more I want to talk about). Please note that these are albums that I like from bands that I like. For instance, Nickelback's Dark Horse is wildly popular right now, but I don't consider that to be music.
Now, without further ado. . .
The Absolute Best Rock Albums of 2008
5. Consolers of the Lonely - The Raconteurs
A total surprise! Intricate songs musically with White Stripesesque lyrics -- a really good listen. The reason it beat out the honorable mentions is because of the continuity of the album. I would DL it and buy it if you like it.
4. Viva la Vida (American Title) - Coldplay
Amazing. A fresh sound for Coldplay but still with the soaring melodies that we've known and loved since Parachutes. A must-have for any Brit rocker or even for singing along.
3. Chinese Democracy - Guns N' Roses
If this had been out longer and I had listened to it more, it could very well be #2 (or dare I say even #1?) Without a doubt this is the definitive hard rock cut of the year which will appeal to classic rock enthusiasts (which I am not) and post 80's hard rock lovers (which I am) alike. Screaming guitars, face-melting riffs etc. etc. etc.
2. Narrow Stairs - Death Cab for Cutie
This one gets better with every listen. The only weakness of the album is the 4.5 minute instrumental leading into track 2, which otherwise would be my favorite song off the album. Next time Death Cab, please put the instrumental at the end so I don't have to ruin the cd fast forwarding it for a 2.5 song. That aside, if you like music for the lyrics and classic indie Death Cab sound, this is it.
1. In Rainbows - Radiohead
The clear creme de la creme. Radio is the best of the year. Again. For style, think Kid A meets Pablo Honey guitar with beautifully blended instrumentals and Yorke's best lyrics to date. Everyone should buy this. Everyone.
Honorable Mentions:
1. Black Ice - AC/DC
I do have a soft spot on my heart for AC/DC. In my opinion this is their best album since Black, but it definitely isn't as good as the albums that made the top 5. Buy it if you like the band or classic rock.
2. A Hundred Million Suns - Snow Patrol
I bought this album last week, and it is getting better and better. I'm only a moderate Snow Patrol fan, but this one is good for the car.
3. Dig Out Your Soul - Oasis
Typical Oasis, which means a few reeeeally good tracks with some fillers, but still worth the bucks to buy it.
Albums that mights have made my good list if I had listened to them en toto.
Survive, Kaleidoscope-Underoath
Moby - Last Night
Sunday Nights and Sunday Mornings - Counting Crows
Bedlam in Goliath - The Mars Volta
Worst Albums of 2008
1. Death Magnetic - Metallica
I'm sorry to offend people, but I plain old can't stand Metallica. Which is unfortunate, because they are one of the only bands I can sing along with because they don't sing ridiculously high. I still can't stand their music.
2. Weezer (Red Album) - Weezer
Wait! Before you kill me, allow me to clarify. A better description might be "Most Disappointing album" because my standards for Weezer are high. This albums has a couple hooks that are catchy, but the music is TERRIBLE. "Everybody Get Dangerous" sounds like something my friends and I wrote joking around at 4 in the morning after playing 12 hours of Mario Kart. In the words of this band, the world has turned and left me here. Screw you, world, because this album is awful.
Clearly I am a guy who enjoys playing poker and especially Texas Hold ‘Em (although I do engage in the occasional 5 Card Draw and Seven Stud). Many people (cough cough my mom cough cough) misconstrue my love of poker as a predilection toward gambling. Many regular poker players and I, however, know that a game which involves chance is not, in fact, gambling if you, the player, have the best of it. Imagine if I proposed this wager to you:
One of us (it is immaterial who) will roll a non-loaded die. I, Paul, will pay you $100 every time the die hits 1-4 and you will pay me $125 every time the die hits 5-6. We will play this game for a set amount of time (say 6 hours) and we will play every day that you so desire.
You would have to be a fool to turn this down mathematically; 4/6 rolls you win $100 dollars for a gain of $400 while 2/6 rolls you lose $125 for a loss of $250 giving you a net gain of $150 dollars or $25 dollars/roll. A fantastic bargain! Now, using this idea and putting deeper philosophical arguments aside, let us examine Pascal’s wager in favor of Christianity vs. some other religious gambles. For an in-depth look at Pascal’s reasoning look here under his “Super-Dominance” argument.
1. Christianity: Pascal’s wager shows that the Christian has the chance of infinite reward on a 25% shot, which doesn’t seem that great until you realize that you are giving up nothing (except some minor finite happiness – the angst of worrying about your afterlife = essentially nothing) in order to gain (eternally) everything. This is an especially good deal when you realize that the other three choices have negative expectation—a choice no gambler would make—because if God is evil then it doesn’t matter what you believe anyway in terms of infinite reward (an idea that will come in handy in a moment). Thus, the only viable choice is the one with the greatest reward, a wager that no gambler could refuse!
2. Islam: Some people argue that Islam vs. Christianity offers the same odds of Pascalian success because the odds of reward in Islam are the same as Christianity and thus offer you a 25% chance post-religious choice (see the same link further down for details). But wait! In Islam the best reward of all is ::my best Bob Barker voice:: 70 VIRGINS! All guys reading this go back to the top and read the beginning. I know your eyes skipped straight down here. Yet, to gain this ever so pleasant of infinite rewards (wait, Allah approves of celestial fornication?) you must kill yourself and many other people, thus denying them of a shot at the Islamic wager. Sounds to me like the design of an evil god, which would take us right back to our original choice of Christianity.
3. Jehovah’s Witness: This group believes that 144,000 people (from Revelation) get the primo infinite reward. Yet, there are approximately 7.0 million members of the religion, minus the ones who already died and took up valuable spots! Thus, among active members you have at best a 2.057% chance of making it EVEN IF you join their religion which could still be wrong anyway. Doyle Brunson is already signing up to be a Presbyterian elder with those odds.
4. Buddhism: We’ll go ahead and presume syncretistic Buddhism doesn’t get you Nirvana, thereby putting the number of Buddhists around 500 million. Only one Buddhist who is still living, however, has reached Nirvana, giving the Buddhist gambler a fabulous 0.0000002% shot at blissful Nirvana. Oh by the way, along with those odds you also get a 99.9999998% chance of sitting on your butt with a cold head for your entire life.
5. Hinduism: Do I really need to crunch the numbers on this? They worship cows for Pete’s sake. Behold! An image of the divine!
6. Orthodox Judaism: This would be like if you bought into the WSOP using your life savings and then realized it already happened. 2,000 years ago. Woops.
7. Atheism: A 100% chance at no infinite reward. In poker lingo, we call that a “freaking moron.”
Dr. Dacher Keltner, a professor of psychology at Cal Berkeley, recently posited that teasing --as opposed to bullying-- is not inherently damaging. Rather, Keltner states that teasing "is essential to making us fully human." Keltner goes on to say that the essence of teasing is that it is "a playfully provocative mode of commentary," after which he cites a few examples of the benefits of teasing which I shall now give to you. And we all know that our two primary goals are to train our children to be "fully human" and "provocative." Therefore, I now present to you Dr. Keltner's bullet-proof argument for why parents should encourage their children to tease each other:
1. Animals have methods of negotiating rank, e.g. "Hippos open their jaws as wide as possible to impress competitors." Similarly, humans tease as a form of "status contest."
Astounding! Through teasing my child can now reach the level of a big ugly mammal yawning.
2. Teasing using nicknames can be "artful," e.g. "Muhammad Ali was the Louisville Lip."
Ah yes, I'm sure everyone teased and teased Ali about this right to his face. And then he killed them.
3. Following teasing, collective laughter can calm the fight-or-flight response and cause "mirror neurons" to fire.
So can pot.
4. In Keltner's simulation of frat boys teasing each other, he found that the "productive teasers" liked the pledges better who showed the most embarrassment, establishing bonds of friendship.
Excellent. My child will have plenty of people to hold his head while he pukes Keystone light.
Cheers.
Attend well my reader, for what you are witnessing right now is the first edition of my semi-sporadic poker advice column. That's right--Queen/6 Off-suit is advice from an amateur teaching you how to think and play like the pros. So listen up. Please note that I am always referring to Texas Hold 'Em unless I am not.
Today's topic entails expectation and hourly rate, the basic principle of which is quite simple.
Paul's Law of Poker Expectation:
If you want to make more money playing poker, play in a game with higher stakes.
This law is so self-explanatory I almost feel like I'm insulting your intelligence (and if you are paying attention you will find that I indeed am). Think about it--if you are playing a No-Limit game where the blinds are $1-$2, then you can clearly make more if you are playing in a $15-$30 game. Follow your pipe dream my friend (and ignore the fact that you're not sure of what a pipe dream is)! Also, if you keep losing don't worry, you are just getting bad cards. If you wait it out, your chances of getting good cards will go way up and you'll start pulling in pot after pot (which you will find in a subsequent column is the whole point of playing poker anyway).
Remember, Coolio said it best. "The power and the money, the money and the power." That is to say go out there and win the big money that all those suckers are throwing into the pot just for you and you too will become a poker champ.
I realize that I mentioned this topic earlier and then failed to talk about it at all. Well, due to popular demand (that's you Joseph), I am finally going to reveal my thoughts regarding the universal conundrum of how men can make it known that they are engaged. I would like to nod my head in the general direction of Madison Taylor for broaching this subject and then I will spit in his face by getting it into print before he does. Thank you free speech and U.S. copyright laws.
The basic problem is this: If you are a man and you are engaged (or know someone who is engaged or ever plan to become or know someone who is engaged) how can you let ladies know that you are taken? Now I am not presuming that myself (who had this problem) or anyone reading this is a proverbial Casanova who has many women just dying for him to be available so they can jump on him and make wild love at a moment's notice. Yet, as an engaged man, you feel a sense of responsibility to let a female to whom you are talking know that you are promised so that that detail has been placed on the table and you don't have to worry about any impression that you are going to accidentally make and she is going to inevitably overanalyze.
Thus, assuming this responsibility, what are you supposed to do? Some would say that you should slip the fact into conversation. This sounds sensible, but in practice it is actually rather difficult to segue to the topic of your fiancé, as evidenced by the following hypothetical conversation in an airplane with a previously unknown female:
Female: "I wonder why we are still sitting here when we boarded an hour ago?"
You (the Male): "I heard that there are high winds across the runway which makes it difficult for the plane to take off due to Bernoulli's principle in which pressure and velocity are directly proportional. It reminds me of the high pressure I felt when people kept asking me if I was engaged yet to my fiancé, causing me to ask her to marry me with greater velocity."
Female: ::Politely smiles and desperately begins reading American Way::
The entirety of this awkward situation, however, could be easily avoided if we merely followed my simple principle of engagement based on logical syllogism:
Paul's First Law of Engagement:
Premise 1: Women have diamond rings to show they are engaged.
Premise 2: Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Premise 3: Dogs are man's best friend.
Conclusion: Men should have engagement dogs.
Along with the logical necessity and convenience of this conclusion, another benefit is that if you get a dog when you are engaged you won't have to buy your wife a dog 4 weeks into marriage when she tells you she's ready to have kids.
Cheers.
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