Paul McClain       

I repeat, alternative medicine works. Here's my explanation why using a few simple case studies. 

1) Brandy/liquor: I actually know someone who, when their child was suspected to have Lyme disease, immediately gave him brandy. I mean, if I were a 12 year-old a solid hit of the old 150 proof sure would make me feel better. Although the ensuing chronic encephalomyelitis might pose somewhat of a more difficult problem.


2) Acupuncture: You have a high fever and chills, "flu-like symptoms," if you will. You go to the acupuncturist and he/she/it sticks a couple dozen steel needles into you. All of a sudden, the flu-like symptoms have vanished because your body is saying to you, "Excuse me for a moment, but I wanted to let you know something: THERE ARE A BUNCH OF STEEL NEEDLES IN ME YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"

3) Lobotomy: Possibly my favorite of the alternative cures, if only because it allows the healer to use a saw in a post-1800's medical environment. Think about it: Schizophrenia? Cut off his brain! Depression? Cut of his brain! The possibilities are endless! Whiny kid? Cut off his brain! I might have to recommend this to elementary school disciplinarians.

4) "Holistic" medicine: I was reading an article earlier today that suggested "Native American Healing" and "Ayurvedic medicine" as treatments for HIV/AIDS. Apparently, Ayurvedic medicine uses a "system of herbalism" (and you thought this only worked in World of Warcraft) and "personalized routines of meditation" to treat HIV. Translation: Toke up on some of that good old fashioned ganja and get high as a turkey buzzard on a summer day! Finally, something that doesn't keep preaching at people to stop having unprotected sex with multiple partners. This is revolutionary stuff.

No fear Richard Simmons, your prayers have been answered.

I never get tired of old jokes. This might lead to a series if the demand is great enough (one comment should do it).

Czeslaw Milosz sticks it to Marx.

"And now we are witnessing a transformation. A true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death - the huge solace of thinking that our betrayals, greed, cowardice, murders are not going to be judged."

The time has come! After hours of exhaustive research in the most highly regarded end times academic sources, I am prepared to predict when the end times are going to occur. My criteria for this forecasting of the apocalypse is the six signs that Christ gave concerning the end times. Now, without further ado, I give you:

Paul's End Times Prediction (tm):

Lady and gent, I predict that the end of the age will occur in  . . .
1556 A.D.
That's right. So if you believe in the rapture you better stop believing in it or start praying hard because
A. 1556 has already occurred and
B. You're still here. Sucker!

How did I arrive at this conclusion? Simple. Please observe my research on 1556 per the 6 signs that Christ gave.
1. Wars (and rumours of wars): The King II's of France and Spain were tearing up Europe, the Moguls and Hindus were ripping each other in Asia, Ivan the Terrible was rampaging in Russia and the American Indians were still doing all their writing in caves so we have no idea what they were doing.
2. Famines: There were 6 reported ongoing famines in 1556 in Europe and Africa (although one could argue that famines in Africa don't count as an anomaly) and several that began soon after. Fact: Right now there is only 1 ongoing reported famine.
3. Earthquakes: Shaanxi, China - the deadliest earthquake in history with a death toll of over 830,000.
4. Tribulation for the church: Cranmer gets burned baby! Post-1517 retribution was being had across the land. Good times for Christians, if they liked hanging out in FIRE (having "fire" in caps shows I've been reading too many graphic novels).
5. The Gospel being preached around the world: Protestants don't like to admit this, but the Jesuits were already all over Asia, Europe and Africa at this point. In fact, the Jesuit order marks the first time that the gospel was preached in so many continents and countries.
6. False Prophets and Christs: My candidate for this worthy post is Uesugi Kagekatsu, Japanese Daimyo. Part of his effectiveness here is you would never see this coming. But who could be more effective than a Daimyo who conquers Japan and syncretizes Christianity, Shintoism and Buddhism? Besides, Bible picture story books always show the False Prophet in Revelation as pretty sweet (in a "he's eventually going to burn in hell" sort of way), and I think a katana is an essential part of being an apocalyptic kickass.

Cheers.

Coming tomorrow: My End Times prediction. I've been reading too many sites to stay quiet on this.

In the wake of the recent Prophecy Conference in Southern California, two of the current experts in the subject of Biblical End Times Prophecy debated with each other concerning the validity of current apocalyptic predictions. They used as the basis of their argument the six signs of the end of the age that Jesus gave during his ministry.

Joe Hibbs, an evangelical pastor, stated that he is disillusioned with predictions of woe and impending doom.
"In Matthew 24, Jesus said there will be 'War and rumours of wars.' Yet, right now there are only wars. I'm going to need to hear some good, solid, liberal media-backed rumours before I go around wearing a black robe and shaking bells."
Before his opponent had time to comment on his confusion of the Black Death with the Apocalypse and his slight British inflection on the word "rumours," he continued.
"Furthermore, the Bible clearly states that there should be famines and earthquakes. But with the decline in the economy, more and more people have been eating at McDonalds (tm), an organization that can still provide nourishing and high calorie foods in these hard times. Also, Mt. Redoubt is the only geologically catastrophic event going on? Are you serious? I'm gonna need to see some freeways in San Diego collapsing and dubbed, screaming Japanese people running around before I start stockpiling extra toilet paper."

Thoroughly confused by Hibbs' enigmatic references to Y2K and Godzilla, Jennifer Rast gave her rebuttle while shifting her purple robe on her shoulders.
"You see Joseph, what you are doing is looking at Biblical signs and attempting to demonstrate a viable cause and effect relationship. True prophets of the end times, however, rely more on an approach that is similar to predicting the stock market crash or filling out March Madness brackets. Call it the 'Marc Faber' take on Revelation; if we continually forecast the end of the world, eventually it's going to happen and I will look like a genius!"

Hibbs remained firm with his closing statement, "Until lion-headed scorpions are more than the stuff of Resident Evil 6, my SIG 556 stays under my bed. I bet they would be pretty sweet though."

It has been a while. So there that is.
When I was teaching someone some basic poker strategy two weeks ago, I initially had trouble figuring out where to begin. There are so many things you can talk about such as position, betting, stack size, strategy etc. So where should someone start who is trying to learn the game and has no idea what a SB and BB are (and furthermore they never put it in on time in a live game. But I digress)?
1) Learn the Hold 'Em starting hand rankings.
To do this, you can go somewhere like here but I personally think a book is best. My personal favorite is David Sklansky's "Texas Hold 'Em for the Advanced Player," but Phil Gordon's "Little Green Book" and Dan Harrington's "Harrington On Hold 'Em Vol. 1" are good too. Go to B&N and read one or borrow it from me.
2) Unfortunately, picking your starting hand is about 1/100th of an actual poker game (although it's a great place to begin). So now what? I think the second step is a simple thought process that you should consider ever single hand (even when you've already folded and you're observing).
A. Think about what you have.
B. Think about what your opponent could have.
C. Think about what you can beat.

That's all. So simple. Yet time after time I see this occur:
1. Good player bets.
2. Bad player calls.
3. Good player shows down a good hand (say a flush).
4. Bad player says "Shoot, I didn't see that" and shows middle pair.

Or the even more frustrating:

1. Good player bets
2. Bad player says (or implies) "I think you're bluffing."
3. Bad player calls.
4. Good player shows some hand (that wins).
5. Bad player shows 9 high.

In the first scenario, the bad player is only thinking about what he has and not about what his opponent could have. He doesn't pay attention to the fact that the board could have straights, flushes, higher pairs, sets, two pair etc. The amateur player instead thinks "I have a pair of eights. That could win. Sweeeeet." While it's true that a pair of 8's could win, it is very unlikely to win in the face of so many other possibilities.
In the second scenario, the bad player does think about what he has and what his opponent could have. But if you have a 9 high (or even something like mid pair) you can't beat much at all. In other words, it's immaterial if you think your opponent has a bad hand. You can only beat a terrible hand. Fold and save yourself the money. I would also like to point out two more things about the second scenario.
1. As I've said before, a bluff is when someone bets with a hand that can ONLY win if his opponent folds. If I bet with a pair of two's, it is in no way a bluff if my opponent has a king high. It's the best hand.
2. Bad players think their opponents are bluffing all the time. They think poker is a game of bluffing. Notice that when bad players call good players, the bad player usually loses. Why? Good players rarely bluff around bad players. Why bother bluffing if the bad player is going to pay off your good hands?
So next time you play, think those 3 things I mentioned every hand. It will help you understand the game more, and you may even start winning.

Over the weekend I was watching "License to Wed" (go ahead and laugh, I enjoyed it) which may seem strange until I tell you that I, and not my wife, purchased our copy of "Sleepless in Seattle". My wife is still a little worried about the Meg Ryan thing and I'm glad--it keeps her on her toes. Anyway, I was watching the scene in which Mandy Moore is driving a car blindfolded and Jim, I mean John, Krasinski has to give her directions when it hit me. This car-driving scene definitively demonstrates the difference between men and women.
Allow me to enlighten you. Mandy Moore is in the front seat of the car, telling John Krasinski that the situation is a larger metaphor for trust in a relationship. She argues that, without the trust and communication in a simple car-driving experiment, how can they expect to forge ahead through the many difficult situations requiring mutual trust and commitment in marriage? Furthermore, she accuses Krasinski's fear and hesitance of being representative of his apprehension in their relationship, symbolizing his unreadiness to be bonded with her in holy matrimony.

To which Krasinski replies, "Holy shit, you are driving blindfolded."

I believe that in decision making, women tend to more emotional and analyze the larger picture for its long-term significance and value (not that this is at all bad). Men will never get past the fact that driving a car blindfolded is rationally dangerous.
Of course, you could argue that Krasinski's fear stemmed not from the fact that Mandy Moore was blindfolded, but that she is female. But I said that this article wouldn't create controversy.

Taking a cue from my lovely wife, I am going to list my top ten rock albums here. She did 15 but she's much more of an over-achiever than I am. In fact, these might not even be my true top ten but they will be awfully close at least. Rules: "Greatest Hits" albums don't count (no Madeline, not even Pumpkins Rotten Apples) and the same band cannot have multiple albums in the top ten (not even Vs. or In Rainbows. Or Siamese Dream. I'd better stop). Now, without further ado:
1. Pearl Jam Ten: This truly is the greatest rock album of all time. The production and flow of the album are amazing and Ten is chock full of hits. "Once" might be the best opening track ever and "Even Flow" is my second favorite Pearl Jam song. Then you have the classics "Alive," "Jeremy" and "Black" along with the lesser-known yet very kickass "Why Go" (McCready at his finest). Some of the best cuts from the album, however, are song near the end of the album that people don't know such as "Ocean," "Deep" and "Release" (which, as the last track, has an excellent tie-in to the beginning of the album--I love that). Note: Madeline and Jonathan C. argue that Yield is actually better, so those of you who like to be wrong should check that out too.
2. Nirvana Nevermind: I know, I know. The top of my list is a bit grunge heavy. But I love grunge. I was weaned on this album and no, I don't like it merely because it opens with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (another candidate for amazing album openers). In fact, I am a far bigger fan of "Breed," "Lithium," "Come As You Are," "In Bloom," "Drain You" and even "Polly" (as long as you don't listen to the lyrics and realize what the song is about). "Something In the Way" is also a candidate for best final track (and some would argue best track on the album). Now that I think about it, if it weren't for my love of Pearl Jam you might be able to find this album sneaking to the top of the list.
3. Muse Absolution: Many people would argue that this isn't even Muse's best album (and they might be right). But I have to put this at the top of my list because I like Every. Single. Song. I still argue that "Stockholm Syndrome" is the best track--it definitely is the most rockinest--but other people would clamor for "Endlessly," "Time is Running Out," "Hysteria," and every other cut on the album. If Muse produces another album, they might even move to a tie for my favorite band. I can't believe I just said that.
4. Radiohead O.K. Computer: I probably spend 25% of the time I'm listening to Radiohead trying to figure out which one is my favorite album. I guess that I'm going to have to go with this one because I feel that it is the most complete as a whole (with In Rainbows, The Bends, Hail to the Thief, Kid A and Pablo Honey in a close tie for all the places after it not necessarily in that order). "Paranoid Android" is my favorite track because I think it best mirrors the concept of the total album but "Let Down," "Lucky," "Electioneering" (surprise!), "Airbag" and "Karma Police" are awesome along with all the others. Can some filmmaker please please use "Exit Music (For a Film)" at the end of their film? I would die.
5. Smashing Pumpkins Zeitgeist:I told you the top ten would be grunge-filled. This was another really tough decision between this, Siamese Dream, Adore (my wife's choice), and I would argue Mellon Chollie II. Even as I mention them I am questioning my choice, but I am going to stick with it because of the combination of heavy guitar and soaring melodies, screaming riffs and gentle strings. Best cuts: "Doomsday Clock," "Bleeding the Orchid," "That's the Way," and "Tarantula" "Tarantula" "Tarantula." I love that song. I am going to listen to it on repeat on my way home today.
6. The Beatles The Beatles (White Album): This was a really tough decision. And I can't believe The Beatles, the rock and roll band on which I cut my teeth, are so far down on my list. I know it's easy to say this album is good because it has so many songs (as opposed to my close second Revolver) but "Happiness is a Warm Gun" is my all-time favorite Beatles track with "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" a very close second. "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill" and "Why Don't We Do it in the Road" are also sentimental favorites (I learned more from these songs than all of 7th grade).
7. Weezer Weezer (Blue): Oh Rivers, I am so sorry you are so far down on my list. Perhaps if Make Believe and Red hadn't been total crap you would have been higher. Anyway, I will say it now and not stand for any argument: "The World Has Turned and Left Me Here" is the absolute best Weezer song, period. "Only in Dreams" is veeeery close, but not quite numero uno. Possibly the most singable alongable album ever made. Did you know spellcheck doesn't catch either of those words?
8. The Shins Chutes Too Narrow: You could hit the pause button after "Kissing the Lipless" and you would have heard the best Shins music right there. But that would be a huge mistake because then you would miss "Fighting in a Sack" (I don't know any of the words but I still sing along at the top of my voice), "Saint Simon" ("Mercy's eyes are blue") and "Pink Bullets" among others. Too good to pass up.
9. Death Cab for Cutie Transatlanticism: The only crossover hit from my list to Madeline's. I know every word to every track and every track is great. My only beef with this album is the fact that Death Cab uses their best musical lines as bridges that only occur once in the song. Find a hook and murder it fellas! "Expo '86" and "We Looked Like Giants" come to mind in this category, and they happen to be my favorite cuts.
10. Incubus Crow Left of the Murder: There are about 20 albums that could go here, but I have to have some Incubus in my top ten. This album took about 5-6 listens for me to like it (besides the ever catchy and overplayed "Megalomaniac" which, despite being overplayed, is still an awesome song) but it was worth it in the end. The reason this beat out the other Incubus stuff is because other albums have some good songs, but I like every song on this one. Especially "Sick, Sad Little World" (my favorite), "Agoraphobia," "Talk Show on Mute" and the title track. An intricate yet grindingly powerful album. Loooove it.

Feel free to totally disagree with all my selections (except Pearl Jam because I am right) and post a few of your own. You might even inspire me to change my selections in the future. I might do a 5 album addendum to this if so inspired but it's too long right now as it is.

"Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies. Oh he don't know, so he chases them away-yeah."