This is an idea from my wife and it sounded like a good one. Here are 25 things about me that you may not have known.
1. I do not believe that there is one person meant for each person from the beginning of time. I do, however, believe that my wife is perfect for me. She's amazing.
2. On a similarly important note, I wear too much blue.
3. If I had a second life (and it couldn't be the same as this one), I would be a sniper. Contract or military, I don't care.
4. I step over cracks in the sidewalk with my right foot, unless I am purposefully attempting to do the opposite to prove to myself I'm not crazy.
5. If I had to go pro in one game it would be Stratego. I have a strategy that has never lost the first time I play someone. The last time I lost a game I was 8. My marriage almost never happened because of this game.
6. One of my favorite subjects in college was Organic Chemistry. I love it. I guess this makes me a social outcast.
7. I firmly believe in the "don't talk about a no-hitter" principle, including parallel non-baseball situations.
8. The last time I cried was when I was 7 and I stubbed my toe. Although this might violate number 7.
9. I am afraid of heights. Big time. I get dizzy on stairs that you can see through.
10. My mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle and several cousins are all Tarheels. The first time I had caffeine was to keep me awake during the '93 championship.
11. Ironically, I coach basketball and athletics for the "Little Blue Devils" at the Emily K(rzyzewski) Family Life Center.
12. I love grunge and I can't believe I married someone who also loves it.
13. I lost to the same Russian guy 3 years running in the state piano competition.
14. My drink of choice is a G&T.
15. Yes I can tap-dance. My sisters can confirm this. My wife did not know this until a couple weeks ago.
16. I am not really that good at poker, but my opponents think I am and thus I am.
17. The best verse of the Bible is Judges 3:31. Look it up.
18. I am the middle boy between two sisters. In a med school interview I called this "the cream in the oreo."
19. I hope that in the future I will get to act in a few more Shakespeare productions.
20. I am a sucker for good advertising. Or even mediocre.
21. My favorite artist/composer ever is Chopin.
22. My best physical feature is my right flexor carpi radialis.
23. If I had to live in a foreign country, I would live in Scotland.
24. I probably know more about Star Wars (Episodes IV-VI since these are the only true Star Wars) than George Lucas. This is not necessarily a good thing.
25. In a duel, my weapon of choice would be a pike.
A few days ago one of my readers asked the unthinkable when he said, "Paul, can you write some real poker advice?" To which I replied, "Are you kidding me? Q6 Off-Suit is fanTAStic advice (::cue in gravel voice guy from the end of radio commercials:: Disclaimer: Q6 Off-Suit is fantastic advice for Paul to give to his opponents if they subsequently follow it when they play him, thus increasing his hourly expectation and overall bankroll)!"
So the people have spoken (and I am not using "people" in the plural sense). I will give actual advice on playing poker on one condition: people must ask me either on the blog or in person specific questions or topics that they would like me to address (note here that the modifier "they" also must be singular from my singular ::this is a pun:: use of "people).
My topic today is "Your First Two Cards." Specifically, I would like to point out 5 common errors that people commit when playing their first two cards. I believe that the first two cards are vital because after the flop you have already seen what the first 71.4% of your hand is going to look like. Concerning this fact I would like to point out one very important thing:
1: You should play your first two cards so that you flop a good hand or a bad hand and NOT a medium hand.
Why? This idea comes from the poker maxim "Big pot big hand, small pot small hand." Too many people are caught playing big pots with medium hands that have a small chance to improve. Especially if this action is multiway, it is a great way to lose a lot of money or find yourself folding with a quarter of your chips in the middle. This leads me to my corollary which is my next point.
2. People usually play too many pre-flop hands. Why? A. Because people love action. B. Because people don't know what a good starting hand is. Imagine this: You limp in with J2s. The flop comes J63 rainbow. You have top pair! But wait: you also have the worst kicker and there are 3 overcards that can come on the next two cards. Furthermore (and possible even worse), if an overcard does land and your opponent catches it OR decides to bluff it, you are caught playing second pair with worst kicker (and only drawing to 7 outs). This would be a medium hand in a big pot, which is the best way to lose money.
3. People overvalue suitedness. With some math that I am not going to show, Sklansky/Gordon calculated that suited cards outperform their unsuited cousins i.e. A8s vs. A8 about 3-4% of the time. Furthermore, you statistically flop a flush about once every 119 times you start with 2 suited cards. If your opponents are good, there is not way they are going to give you the (at best) 4.22-1 odds you need to see the next card to make your call profitable. Conclusion: Flushes are fun, but you usually need something else to go with it.
4. People limp in (a flat call with no raise) too much. Imagine this scenario: You call with AK and the flop comes T93. You check and BANG the person from the big blind bets you the pot. Are they trying to buy it? Do they have TT? T9? 92? J5? You have no idea. But you do know that you are stuck in a growing pot with two lousy overcards. There are certain situations, however, in which limping is profitable.
A. You are at a very loose table. This is called tilting your implied odds and you can ask me about it.
B. You are a post-flop and post-river master and you play very aggressively. This type of person is a Gus Hansen or Dan Negreanu who are master-readers and put huge pressure on their opponents when they smell weakness. You are not these people. Stop limping.
C. You limp in a 4-1 ratio of weaker hands to premium hands. Why? Mathematics. Let's say I limp 4 times with a weak hand (86s or J5 etc.), get raised 5 times the big blind and fold. The one time I limp with a premium hand (AA, KK, AKs) I re-raise big and take down the pot for 5 blinds (or my opponent makes the mathematical error of calling) for a positive expectation of 1 bet. Note, however, that this only works against a number of aggressive opponents and if you had raised with one of the weak hands and one of the strong hands, your positive expectation would have been much greater.
Enough of this professional drivel I put onto pieces of paper and take to establishments which subsequently ignore it! I am going to record here, on my blog, the actual things that make me unique and could qualify me for jobs if the manager 1) Is insane or 2) Has a sense of humor or 3) Can't read English. So forget my 90 whatever percentile MCAT and my history degree and my magna cum loudass award. Behold, My Actual Resume:
1) I am quite skilled at memorizing unrelated, seemingly useless data.
2) I have an unusual knowledge of enigmatic word definitions, such as prolix and argy-bargy (yes that is a real word).
3) I am well-versed in various techniques for urban camouflage.
4) I can tap-dance (this is true).
5) You can look up my tangible gaming achievements here (for the experts out there, I quit before S3 came out).
6) I can whip out a Haiku that would make Nobunaga and Hideyoshi weep (yes I know who both of those people are).
7) I am a Jedi Master.
If you could use any of these skills, please feel free to contact me regarding job postings.
Now that I'm 60 I look back,
Thinking about the good times we had
(When we were young).
Sitting on the steps or in the woods,
Watching the silken wreaths float above our heads.
Some people liked Camel Lights or
Blacks or even Reds.
If I had not had asthma
I would have been a Reds man but
I wasn't.
In the shadow of ourselves
We discussed books and movies
And mostly women.
The Gandalfs of our age who
Could stop any time.
Of course, they never stopped
Because work is hard and
Relaxation is essence of youth.
It's funny how any age is old
Until it's you.
Now I sit and wish I were
Quoting Joseph Heller or the Matrix.
Enjoying the time when we
Thought we were busy and
Did nothing.
But we can't because
Everyone else is dead.
That's right. It is time for my rant against political correctness. BUT WAIT! Before you stop reading this because you think you know what I am going to say, please understand that I am merely attempting to be more (what people have called up to now) "politically correct." The method by which I am achieving this, therefore, is by clarifying a few terms to make sure that we are, in fact, "politically correct."
Point 1. The terms should not be "politically correct/incorrect" (PC or PI). If I call you a commie bastard or a fascist pig when you are, in fact, an ignorant and close-minded Republican then THAT is being politically incorrect because it is both a. political and b. incorrect. Instead, the term should be NDARG for "Non-Discriminatory Against Race or Gender." We cannot make the term ND for Non-Discriminating because someone who is non-discriminating is a person who thinks that Northern ice tea and Southern ice tea are the same thing. The Fascist pig.
Point 2. If you must describe someone by their racial/ethnic background, have a system for doing so. Why would you call someone African-American and call me white? In fact, why would you call me Caucasian when I have no ancestors from the region of the Caucasus (Don't know where that is? Play more Axis and Allies)? Similarly, if we call someone who has ancestors from Korea Asian-American, then we need to also call people from Russia, India and Saudi-Arabia by that same term. While we're at it, I should actually be described as "European-United Statesian" so I don't discriminate against people from Canada and Paraguay.
Point 3. If we correct gender-discriminatory language, we need to correct it for everything. I am sick and tired of people discriminating against the hundreds of thousands of boats, planes and cars out there that are actually dudes. Similarly, why don't universities offer a "Maleism" class where we can learn about everyone from Samson to Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis?
Point 4. The next time I hear someone say "There is no difference between men and women," I would like this person to a. shove it b. take a biology course or c. look in the mirror before she/he showers. Besides, I like the fact that I am different from a female. I'm married for crying out loud! (While I don't mean that in a nudge nudge wink wink way you can take it as such if you like).
Point 5. "White" (European-United Statesian, European, Caucasian etc.) people can't jump. This is not discrimination, it's verifiable fact. If you are white and you disagree, pipe down and go play hockey.
Try something some time. Buy a ticket to your local symphony orchestra concert, put on your only matching shirt and tie (or skirt and top combo?) and get there early to take your seat. Then when you've arrived, look around and notice these four things.
1) This is the first time you've ever gone to a concert like this without having been forced by your parents.
2) You are the only person there under the age of 55.
3) You might be getting old yourself.
4) For the price of this ticket you could be watching Radiohead live and getting high right now.
I propose, however, that along with the degradation of our society and our intellectual inability to listen to anything longer than Sesame Street's explanation of the letter R, the real reason younger people don't attend classical concerts is because the music is being presented in the wrong venue. It also might be because we're not old.
Allow me to present an example. Think back to the last scene in Ocean's Eleven where the main thieves all gather together one last time until they depart one by one, never to see each other again (until the producer realizes that he can throw a shoddy script together using the same characters and make millions off of suckers because the first one was actually a legitimate film).
Anyway, do you realize that the music in that scene is Clair de lune by Debussy? Oh I forgot you're not old. Debussy is a classical (technically impressionist) composer. Don't know what impressionist means? Think "Haystacks," the painting that Pierce Brosnan steals in "The Thomas Crown Affair." (Now I see the lightbulbs going off in your young, ignoramus minds. Don't know what ignoramus means? Then I wouldn't bother looking it up.)
Back to my topic. Allow me to recommend a few venues for classical music that you might try (and even enjoy if you're old).
1) Need to get jacked for a big game or interview? Try Liszt.
2) Working out? Tchaikovsky's piano concerto should do the trick.
3) Cooking? Bach is so organized and mathematical you are sure to have a fantastic recipe.
4) Playing video games? Ravel lends that perfect ethereal touch to your game's ambiance.
5) Sleeping? Try Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings (also in a ton of movies) but make sure you don't fall asleep before those last few chords.
6) Doing anything? Chopin is your man. I had to put in a shameless plug for my favorite.
You could even try merely sitting there and listening to it. Although that might mean you're old.
Paul's Muse, Sully, leaned back in her poorly balanced poolside chair and closed her eyes. Drifting over her in the light breeze were the sounds of children splashing in the water and their parents quietly flirting with beverage selections from the pool waiter, thumbing through the Cosmo or Men's Health they had hidden inside Atlantic monthly. Sully did not normally have time to relax. She was usually hard at work, dragging Paul away from his latest Redbox selection toward the poorly dusted keyboard in the corner. Even though she knew that, once he got there, he would inevitably play everything too fast and neglect learning the measures that required figuring out syncopated rythyms.
"What'll it be miss?"
Sully instantly regretted closing her eyes in the afternoon sunshine and, when she squinted them half open, the reflection from the pool tugged a sneeze out of her onto the waiter's black cotton slacks.
"Pardon," she murmured, instantly wondering why she said it with a fake French accent.
"It's quite all right miss," replied the waiter, wondering why he said "quite." "Can I get you anything? Perhaps a hamburger for $9.50."
Sully noticed the waiter's half smile.
"No thank you, I don't really eat." Realizing that this statement needed clarification she quickly added, "I'm a Muse."
"I beg your pardon?" the waiter said, mentally noting that he should watch fewer British made movies.
"A Muse. You know, like the one who sang of the Rage of Achilles. Except that was Homer's Muse, and she had it quite good."
"Did she now?" replied the waiter, mentally noting that British films were right out and that he should never say "right out" to anyone.
"Absolutely. It's easy to inspire people who have natural talent. It's kind of, you know, like the Bible says. God helps those who help themselves."
"That's not in the Bible I don't think."
"It must be in the The Message or something. Anyway, my point is that it's much harder to inspire those who don't have much imagination in the first place."
"Ah. So you're saying that Shakespeare's Muse was not exactly a workaholic."
"Oh on the contrary. All he wanted to do was write love iambs to women until Francine got a hold of him."
"Then surely," posited the waiter, "you have channeled Paul's verbal gifts in similar manner."
"I guess he did write a haiku once."
"How did it go?"
"Something to the effect of 'My love is Boardwalk. And there's a hotel on it. Income tax. And loss.'"
"A veritable pundit."
Sully reminded herself to look up what a pundit is and smiled at the waiter.
"Aim small miss small" she sighed, and promptly went to sleep.
Due to popular demand by Matt Kiefer, I have decided it is time to end my creative hiatus and once again cast my mental machinations back into the blogosphere. Despite my best intentions, however, I am having trouble finding things about which I can write. This is in part due to the fact that the news is really depressing and thus difficult to parody. Even when I checked the sports news the first story I saw was about how an attorney cannot prove that a football player shot someone even though:
1. The player was at the scene of the crime.
2. The player owned the gun.
3. The gun, miraculously, went off and happened to hit a person with a bullet which (amazingly) happened to come out of aforesaid gun.
Finally, I thought that I might talk about Murphy's Second Law (yes he had more than one--I read an essay on the second law a long time ago but have since forgotten what it is) but when I googled the subject, I only came up with idiotic sites that parody Murphy's First Law.
Although given the situation my results were extremely ironic.
Thus, I shall close with an excellent quote from Catch-22 and give it another try in the near future.
"What would they do to me," he asked in confidential tones, "if I refuse to fly them?"
"We'd probably shoot you," ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen replied.
"We?" Yossarian cried in surprise. "What do you mean we? Since when are you on their side?"
"If you're going to be shot, whose side do you expect me to be on?" ex-P.F.C. Wintergreen retorted.
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